Nobody likes to talk about feelings. They make us uncomfortable. They’re icky; not easy define or express clearly. I’d probably rather talk about royal weddings or tax returns than my feelings. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re there, always bubbling underneath the surface, ready to ruin a Saturday afternoon or date night.
One of the biggest revelations of my thirties has been that human beings are far more emotional than rational, in spite of how much we’d like to believe otherwise. So much of our experience of life is guided by our emotions. It makes sense to understand them, talk about them, and deal with them.
As Paolo Ferrari said on the latest episode of the Amateur Podcast, “emotions can be our knee-jerk reaction to something that happens to us or…that app that’s running in the background of our phones that’s draining our battery and we have no idea it’s running”.
He and his cohost on The Authentic Feelings Podcast, Beverly Kesse, have an enviable ability to talk candidly about how they feel. There is something so refreshing about how openly they discuss difficult topics such as jealousy, insecurity, or body image. I knew they were a match made in podcast heaven, and I’m so happy they agreed to talk to me about how they learned to deal with their emotions.
While there’s certainly no magic bullet (as Beverly cautions, “it takes work”), and they’re not “experts”, the wisdom Beverly and Paolo shared during our hourlong conversation helped me understand my emotional self a little better. I feel that I have a better idea of what it means to “deal” with my emotions, which involves the following:
Awareness: Know thyself. To thine own self be true. These maxims came up during the Mindfulness episode, and they ring true in thinking about our emotions as well. Awareness of how we are feeling is the first step towards “dealing” with our emotions, whether that means identifying the background “battery-drainers” or confronting the big ones; the emotions that prevent us from achieving our goals, developing lasting relationships, or getting out of bed in the morning. Paolo had a great metaphor about awareness: It’s like turning on the lights in your bedroom and seeing the mess. As Beverly added, “if you’re gonna trip you might as well see what you tripped on”.
Acceptance: When the lights are turned on, we might see some things (hello, old sandwich) that cause us to turn away in disgust. We attach a lot of shame to our emotions. According to Paolo and Beverly, it is important to confront that shame and detach ourselves from it. We all feel negative emotions, but that doesn’t mean we are those negative emotions. Once we acknowledge the unsightly emotions in the bedroom, we can begin to work on bettering them.
Help: Asking for help is difficult for many people. According to Paolo this stems from shame. Getting past this, Beverly says, involves “understanding fundamentally that you are worthy, and that you have value, and that you are an important person”. What you are going through is a human experience. Also, as Paolo puts it, “you probably are not special enough to have been the only person to sit with that feeling, or struggle, or circumstance”. Acknowledging this enables us to feel more comfortable about asking for help. While it is great to be able to reach out to friends and family, Beverly strongly recommends getting professional help from a therapist if possible.
Direction: Paolo suggests that when we ask for help, we should first identify what we want: Validation or Advice. This way we can tell our friends or family members what it is we need from them, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgemental ear, or some Yoda-like guidance.
And on the other side, if a loved one comes to us to talk about their feelings, we should start by asking them how they feel and what they want, so that we have a better idea of how to help that person.
Betterment: When we are more aware of our emotions, we start to get a better sense of when we are at our best, what Beverly calls the “higher self”. Cultivating our higher selves involves practicing gratitude when we are at our best, not identifying with our lower selves, and practicing compassion when we are at our worst. Recognizing when we are at our best helps us replicate those moments.
It’s also important to recognize external factors that cause positive and negative emotional reactions. As Paolo pointed out, “to act as if it’s completely on you or your fault when circumstances around you aren’t great, or when someone treats you in a way that doesn’t make you feel good, is not fair.” It’s not all on you to make yourself feel better. Sometimes life is hard and people are jerks.
Resilience: From my own experience this is something we build up over time. It’s little consolation when we’re in the thick of our worst moments, but everything we go through builds resilience. It might help, as Paolo suggests, to acknowledge that someone else has gone through what you’re going through. It also might help, as Beverly advises, to enjoy the ride: “It’s going to be okay. Have fun.”
I hope this episode added a couple points to your EQ. Remember that like preaching, it’s important to practice what we learn. My sincerest thanks to you for taking the time to read this and for giving the podcast a chance. I’d love to hear your thoughts (or feelings) about the show, so don’t hesitate to reach out!