Recently, some city workers came to clean up the foliage around my house. As I watched them feed branches into the woodchipper, a thought occurred to me: those wood chippings would make a great mulch for the garden (they also had some logs for the firepit). Why not ask the workers if they’d mind my filling up a garden bag or two? I thought.
But I hesitated. Asking for wood refuse embarrassed me. The truth is, asking for almost anything embarrasses me.
I know some people who have no problem asking for things. They are the types that always seem to get the best deals, the upgrades, the freebies. Maybe you’re one of them. I am not.
I have solicited the odd upgrade. Before they started charging extra for everything, airlines would give front row seats to anyone who asked (a great comfort for long-limbed folk like myself). All you had to do was ask for it. The good old days!
Upgrades, freebies, and sweet deals are all great. But there’s something even better: Help. Collaboration enables humans to accomplish truly great things; it makes us greater than the sum of us parts.
I couldn’t have done this podcast without the twenty or so talented and generous individuals that agreed to sit through interviews with me. My guests have taught me so much. Even better, they’ve allowed me to share that learning with the world through the podcast. I am amazed and grateful for the help I’ve received on this project; I couldn’t do it without the generosity of others.
And yet, I still feel uncomfortable about asking people to help me, even when the person is an old friend. The fear of rejection petrifies me. Sometimes it makes me question whether I should continue working on this project. I have to summon a considerable amount of will power to get over this fear. But it’s worth it for the great conversations, teaching, and help I’ve received.
The idea of asking for help makes many of us feel uncomfortable. It implies a deficiency of some kind, like we can’t handle our own stuff. We often hesitate to ask for help for fear that it makes us seem incapable.
The truth is that accomplishing great things requires assistance from others. The super-rich know this: They found billion-dollar companies that attract super smart people to help them travel to space.
I don’t have billions of dollars. You probably don’t either. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get the help we need. Most of us regular people don’t need to go to space. Sometimes we just need a listening ear, a ride to the airport, or help on a project that is near and dear to our hearts. Whatever it is, often the only thing standing between us and getting the help we need is our own feelings of inadequacy, our fear of rejection and looking stupid.
This fear makes us perceive others as unhelpful. Research suggests people often underestimate the willingness of others to help. Even worse, if we think those around us are unhelpful, it may make us less helpful ourselves. What goes around truly does come around.
Humans are helpful animals. We depend on others. Human beings survived, evolved, and flourished because of cooperation. The ability to learn from others enabled our species to adapt to harsh climates and develop complex cultures and social organizations. Unfortunately, our dependency on others goes hand in hand with anxiety about status and the health of our relationships.
About seventy-five percent of the people I asked for podcast interviews said yes, a testament to the fact that people want to help. It makes us feel good about ourselves.
The other twenty-five percent? It’s true, some people say ‘no’. And that’s okay. Their reasons are understandable. It doesn’t mean they wouldn’t help if they could. I never got my free mulch and firewood. The worker said his boss would object to him giving away city property. It didn’t ruin my day. More importantly, I didn’t shy away from an opportunity to make my day.
So don’t be afraid to ask for things – especially help. It might make your day, ignite a new passion, or enable you to accomplish something that you’ve been struggling with on your own. You never know! All you have to do is ask.